wanna date?

So here I sit, at home alone, watching tv and doing stuff on my computer.......again.  I wonder why?  As much as a like to go out to the bars and hang out, I know I'm not going to find the type of man I would really want to hang out and be with.  I mean I guess it could happen but probably not.  So where or how do you go about finding a man that would be what I'm looking for?  Guess I'm clueless because I always heard the grocery store is a good place......well that is where I meet my ex husband and I work in one.  See how well that is going for me.......so do you try a dating service.  When I am on facebook I see all these advertisements for dating.....older men, men over 40, not all men are jerks (yes that is what it says), active men over 40.  All that stuff and I wonder if I should try it......I wouldn't mind but I know one thing for sure I'm not paying to find a date. How for real is the service and the men that use them?  All I know is I'm not willing to play games.  Not to mention the pictures of the men they use on those advertisments....wow I would like one of them but I'm not so lucky.  So that still leaves me with what to do?  Here's the number someone call and see how legit they are.......1-317-616-7185

Are you available??

What do men want?  I mostly figured it is sex....and 85% I think that is what they want.  They all say they want to be friends, they respect you.......blah, blah, blah.  But basically I don't think men know what they want. Or how to go about getting it and then not be scared of it.  At least when it is sex I know either I want the same thing or they can fuck off because I'm not interested.  You know a friend told me I haven't found anyone yet because I'm either too picky or I don't make myself available. Yes I have come to realize I am picky.....I'm fine with being picky, because I don't deserve just anyone that comes along and thinks I'm gonna be their bitch.  I deserve to treated with honesty, care, consideration and  to be loved.........loved for who I am because who I am is really a great woman to be around, be with.  Now the part about not making myself available, that's one I don't understand.  I'm not hard to talk to or to get along with.  How does a person (woman--me) make themself not available? or avalable? I'm not talking about being married, dating, living with someone.....obvouisly that is unavailable but how is it that I'm unavavailable?? I'm divorced, easy to talk to, up front about things soooo........ Is it a vibe, expression on my face, something I say, what I wear, the way I smell, the way I walk, how I present myself.......what is it exactly?   If someone knows let me know.

always question

Do you ever have so many things you are thinking about, things you want to do, questions to ask, that you don't know what to do first?  Even what to think about first.  You would think at this point in my life, the age that I am......I would have more answers and know what I want.  I guess I do know what I want for the most part just not sure how to get there.  Or what will happen when I get there, will that be a good thing when I get there or will it be another stupid mistake.  I wish I could trust in myself that it will all be ok.  That what I do is and will be right.  This delimia effects so much of my life and what I want.  When I left my marriage I wanted things to be so different.....is it all for the better?  Am I really happy.  Did I make the right choice?.....now with that said I do feel like it was the right choice for me.  But where do I go from here?

where life takes you

Isn't it amazing where life takes you??  Sometime good....everyone only hopes for the good but that isn't the way it always works.  Then sometimes......probably alot of the time it is where you let yourself be taken or just ride the flow along.  That is what I am dealing with now.......where I have let mysef be taken.  Honestly I don't blame anyone but myself.  That is the whole of it.......I know I was stupid about things and I let them happen.  So now I am left to deal with and figure out te consquences to the actions i've taken.  I know reading this you can only be thinking what the f**k is she rambling about?  I will ramble it all out soon, I need to think about it some more and get myself to the place I face up to my own shortcomings.  You don't get to my age and not realize you make mistakes but the hard part is saying to yourself.....I screwed up, it will be ok, correct it when you can and move forward.  I am at a time where I need to make decisions for myself and remember "It is about ME!!!"  taking care of me, making me strong, knowing me is beautiful, making me happy, loving me and alwys move forward.  Don't dwell on the past.......past mistakes, past mistreatments, past hurts, past fear.  Everyday is a new day........what will it brings me but what will I bring the new day??

Just a note

Hi everyone that has read my blog.  I know I have been gone and blogless for several months now.  I decided to get back to the blog because my bff, misses my blogs.  I have been thinking of getting back into the blog but I do think it is going to take a change in direction.  I noticed that the blogging can sometime just help with venting about my life but sometimes just like talking to someone when things are on your mind the blogging also helps.  I'm not sure direction I want to go, not that I will stop blogging about the random stupid things in my life because they still happen.  I know this started out as the knotches on the preverbal bedpost but alot of that has stopped and that will be for a later blog.  Just wanted to let anyone that checks that I'm back.
I'm off to bed and I will tell more tomorrow or actually later today since it is 2:30 am.

distressing day

I had a bit of a distressing day.  I woke up with pain in my chest today, on the left side above my breast.  After I woke up and noticed the pain I relaxed on the couch to see if it would go away.  When it didn't it go away  it started to worry me.  I took a shower hoping that would make me feel better but that didn't help either.
So after making a couple of phone calls I decided to go to the ER.  At this point I don't know if some of my problem was myself being in a panic.  Anyway I go, get admitted, they take me back and start all these tests and monitors on me.  Everything came back ok....EKG, chest x-ray, blood work.  The pain was due to chest wall irrations and stress.  Good thing I wasn't having a heart attack, but I sure felt stupid by the time I got to go home.  I got stuck 3 times for IV, blood draw and the blood pressure cuff  hurt like a son of a bitch.  I finally took it off my arm because I was tired of it pinching my arm. 

As distressing as all that was, while asking 20 questions about your medical history the one ER person says, "would you like to call your husband?"

"No I'm divorced"

"would you like to call your boyfriend?"

"No don't have one of those either"

After that I thinking...... how pathetic I am because I don't have a man in my life, or anyone other than my parents that would worry about me and be upset that I was at the ER.  Well my sons would be but one is in Indianapolis and can't drive, the other is in Lafayette over an hour away.  I wouldn't let them call my parents because I didn't want to upset them if it wasn't anything major. 

So do the hospital staff assume that every women has a husband or boyfriend ?  Or did I look like I needed to have one?  I don't know but I know I don't need a keeper.......I drove myself to the ER for heaven sake.
Anyway as stupid as I felt, I also got to feel like a loner for not having anyone to come sit with me.

Fat or Phat?

I took Uncle Jam home......I was pretty blunt with him, more so than anyone else.  Not that I hide things but I was just flat out blunt.......told him he was going home with me to fuck.......he had to wear a rubber.  Now he was a different one.....the whole situation was kind of odd.  First off he wasn't much of a kisser.  I like to kiss and not all men can kiss or I should kiss good.  I mean Uncle Jam kissed me maybe twice and he wasn't a overly good kisser.  The next thing that was sort of odd was that usually when you hook up with a man they want to start undressing you, at least till they get to see and feel the ta-tas.  With Uncle Jam it was undressed and then in the bed.  I do have to say he was a nice toucher......knew how to touch the right places.  The touch was enough t get me going so what the heck bring it on.  Uncle Jam wasn't overy large in the manhod department, average and I can deal with average.  It's the itty bitty I done with!  Now I have to say this for Uncle Jam the ool was bent, yeah have a curve to it.  When I seen that I thought oh great how's this gonna work out, but I have to admit it turned out pretty good because that curved to hit just in the right spot!!!
When I bring someone home the first time and he can make me cum two times......he did good!!
He must have enjoyed what I had to give also because when he was done he says to me, "you have a fat pussy"  and I'm like excuse me???   I have a what???  He says no that's good.....not fat but "PHAT"  like sweet.  Now I have heard of a lot of things but "PHAT Pussy" is not one of them.  Oh well that's ok but I was glad he enjoyed me as much as i enjoyed him.  Next time I just rather a man say I have a sweet pussy instead of a PHAT pussy.!!!!